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Archive for ‘June 2009’

Breaking News - Mercury's Paranoia Hits New Level

Mercury attempted suicide early this morning, an increasing trend that has developed in the wake of Pluto's demotion. Fearful that he will be the next to be downsized in a ever worsening universal economy, Mercury had taken on the extra expenses of re-known psychologist Jupiter, but has taken yet another hit to his self esteem by the enormous size of the latter. Mercury began to make small cuts on his surface to cope with his fears.

Taking a different approach to his deteriorating state of mind, he hired the alternative care giver Venus. While attending workshops with the famed female psychologist, Mercury began to get into alternative drugs, mainly Carbon Monoxide and Sulfur. It has been reported that Mercury had shown an improvement, but unfortunately the ever increasing misunderstandings between the two caused Mercury to believe that he would indeed be the next to get a pink slip.

Mercury was found at 2:15 am this morning a mere 18 million miles away from the sun, cowering at the heat. He was found with deadly amounts of Carbon Monoxide, Sulfur, and Valium in his system. He was taken to Universal Hospital and is in critical condition. However, hospital spokesperson Larissa, a moon of Saturn, has stated he will make a full recovery.

(WARNING: This is not a real news story, its just for fun.)


End of Ze World - Funniest Effing Shit EVER!!

Mean Nachos

Stupid Nachos. Instead of getting them at, oh, I don't know, Taco Cabana, I decide to make them at home. NOT SMART!!! The cheese didn't melt right, the chips were too salty, I didn't season the meat well enough, the sour cream was a bit too sour, and now my tummy hurts. *pouts*

Never again am I making my own nachos, I'll leave that to the professionals. I can make empanadas, chicken, steak fajitas, rice, enchiladas, practically everything BUT nachos. Grrr. I feel so gross! And worse, now my brain is all mushy. I can't think straight. Therefore I can't work on my novel without having to rewrite every sentence five times just to make it coherent. Do you know how many times I've rewrote this whole blog? Eh, worth it.

I'm gonna go on a jog once my tummy settles. That should make me feel better.

Mindless Wanderings of My Brain

So today I went to an interview at my local bookstore. I've wanted to work there since I was 16, but they only hired 18+, and then I just got a life and worked elsewhere. Well, now I just had to become an adult, lost that life, and now I need a job to keep me from getting über bored and shaving my head a lá the Spears. I'm so excited! I really love books (der) and would love to have the opportunity to be surrounded by them constantly. *sigh* I need to learn how to read by osmosis.

I've decided that its high time I work on my novel again. I haven't done anything with it for almost a week, and I'm pissed at myself. This book is destined for greatness, if I could just write it! Right now I'm blogging to exercise my brain and hands so that I can write my next scene feeling mentally limber.

I can't wait for the new iPhone OS 3.0 to come out. I know, I know, it comes out tomorrow. But still! I'm really annoyed that I got my iPhone 3 months before Apple released
the iPhone 3Gs. I mean, how jank is that? I even asked them if a new phone was coming out, and they said no. Grrr. Oh well. Its a good new version, but mine works just fine - the only thing I wanted out of the new one was the video, and I can wait for that, cuz dude, I am NOT paying full price for a new iPhone when I have a perfectly good one now.

Another thing I can't wait for? For the fall, so that I can go back to school. What?! School?! Yep, I love school. I'm the kid that ruins the grading curve and always asks questions when you're trying to sleep. Yay! I'm trying to get my hubs to let me buy an all new wardrobe, but he's not budging - my paychecks will go to that, never fear.

Huh. I am seriously craving nachos now. Hmmm.


Girl Down - A Short Story

“Hmm. Cabernet or Chianti?” I can’t decide. I know Steve loves Chianti, but its not my favorite - not even close. And we had it last week, so... Cabernet it is!

I love shopping at Gucci HEB. Well, its really called HEB Central Market, but when me, my twin sister Blaire and best friend Lindsay walked in our sophomore year of high school, it somehow felt to us like a couture store. There were all these gorgeous women in amazing suits and dresses picking out the best wine for dinner that night, or what bread smelled the freshest. One was debating with the butcher on which cuts of meat to buy, and she reminded me of the old-fashioned housemothers that were very well versed in things like that. Overall, it became a symbol of success for the three of us, a place were we all wanted to shop at all the time when we became rich and fabulous and could actually afford to shop at stores like Gucci.

Is that my phone? Ugh, I have got to change that ringtone. Sarah? She was supposed to be in the country with her man.

“The fucking bastard has a GIRLFRIEND!!!! For two fucking years!!! And you know what else? She’s five months PREGNANT!!!”


“Yes! I can’t fucking believe it!” Sarah loves the word fuck when she’s pissed.

“Where are you.”

“At home.”

“Your apartment or your moms?”

“My apartment. Mom is in Colorado visiting her parents.”

“I’m on my way.”

I dump out the contents of my handcart in the refrigerated beer section, grab another bottle of Cabernet and two of Chardonnay and head over to the frozen section for pizza and those breaded, deep-fried cream cheese filled jalapeño poppers, then off to the bakery for cheese cakes, all the while calling the rest of the Calvary.

Here’s the thing about the Cavalry. We’ve been the closest of friends as early as middle school and as late as seniors in college. It started with me, Blaire, and Lindsay, writing notes with those cool colored gel pens on black paper, and it sort of just grew from there. We get together every month to catch up, gossip, and bitch. When one of us hit’s a rough patch, we all work together to get her out and back in the game. And for something like this, every one of us drops as much as we can to support her.

Dashing off to the twenty or less registers, I finish off a call to Sydney, who will make it in two hours after she gets out of a presentation. It’s a good thing I have the day off, or else she would be alone until one of us got off work. I pick up speed as I see a woman laden with three kids screaming for sweets headed towards the register and practically throw the frozen pizza at the cashier.

“Party tonight?” Is he flirting with me?

“Is it invite only, or is anyone allowed?” A wink? Ok, he needs to be shut down, and fast.

“My best friend ditched a guy she really liked not ten minutes ago because she just happened to find out that he had a serious girlfriend of two years who is five months pregnant.”

“Oooooh. Yeah, I’ll take a rain check.”

“You never had a check to begin with.” I flash my wedding ring and give him an apologetic smile as I swipe my card. “Sorry, but when one of my girls is down, everything else is on hold until she’s functional.”

“Wow. That’s kinda cool. You have a good day.” How is that possible with a girl in hysterics?

“Thank you.”

I rush to my car, throw my purchases in the passenger seat and gun it toward Sarah’s apartment complex. As I pull out of the parking lot of Gucci HEB I continue with the calls. I can’t get a hold of Elsie, so I switch to text, marking them urgent. She calls right when I turn onto the street that Sarah’s apartment is on.

“I’m just down the block, I was on my way back to the office. Its no biggie, I was on an audit and the company was surprisingly prepared and efficient.”

“I got goodies. It seems like its gonna be a long one.” I hang up and punch in the code to open the gate of the apartment complex and we park by Sarah’s car.

“Shit yeah. I wonder how far she is on the voodoo doll.” Elsie grabs the bottles of wine and I get the rest. Climbing up the stairs to her door, I fumble for my emergency key and unlock the bolt and doorknob in one smooth motion, shoving the door open in the process.

And there, in the middle of her living room surrounded by all the gifts, pictures, and memorabilia of her time with the ass fuck, is our girl Sarah. Dressed in tattered sweats and her hair a birds nest, she looks up at us with puffy eyes red with tears of rage and sadness. We haven’t seen her so thoroughly wrecked since the new years party our freshman year of college, when she learned how to play beer pong very, very badly. In front of her, she already had a voodoo doll dressed with a pin stuck in the genital area.

This was bad.

“Oh, honey.”

The Words I Live By

There are many sayings, quotes, and words of wisdom out there. Here are some that I try to live by.

"Tolerate much, but not intolerance." - By this I mean, be accepting. I may not believe in the same god as you, but I respect your beliefs, as I hope you respect mine. Those who think one group of people should be massacred off the face of the planet are highly intolerant, and therefore should not be tolerated themselves.

"If you can't laugh together, you can't love together." - I learned this when I met my now husband. I was engaged twice before, but the humor wasn't compatible - with my hubby, we laugh at much the same things. If your relationship is all serious, it can cause stress and strain.

"A true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." Walter Winchell - I had to learn this the hard way with my ex-best friend from high school. The friends you know you can count on when your down, those are the friendships you should nurture.

Those are the three that I try and live by. There are many out there, and everyone should find or think of words to live by - I find that I can catch myself if I start to be intolerant, and adjust myself, asking why I reacted that way and explore the answer. I like having guidelines for myself - I think it makes people wiser.