Breaking News - Mercury's Paranoia Hits New Level
Mercury attempted suicide early this morning, an increasing trend that has developed in the wake of Pluto's demotion. Fearful that he will be the next to be downsized in a ever worsening universal economy, Mercury had taken on the extra expenses of re-known psychologist Jupiter, but has taken yet another hit to his self esteem by the enormous size of the latter. Mercury began to make small cuts on his surface to cope with his fears.
Taking a different approach to his deteriorating state of mind, he hired the alternative care giver Venus. While attending workshops with the famed female psychologist, Mercury began to get into alternative drugs, mainly Carbon Monoxide and Sulfur. It has been reported that Mercury had shown an improvement, but unfortunately the ever increasing misunderstandings between the two caused Mercury to believe that he would indeed be the next to get a pink slip.
Mercury was found at 2:15 am this morning a mere 18 million miles away from the sun, cowering at the heat. He was found with deadly amounts of Carbon Monoxide, Sulfur, and Valium in his system. He was taken to Universal Hospital and is in critical condition. However, hospital spokesperson Larissa, a moon of Saturn, has stated he will make a full recovery.
(WARNING: This is not a real news story, its just for fun.)
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